THE SETTING: Circa 45 BC, the StarBacchus - a surprisingly non-seedy little winery in the Campus Martius, which must be a nasty part of town because it's full of theatres.  The largest, of course, is the Theatrum Pompeii - tourists are  strongly enouraged to ask what happened to its founder.  Suitably disgusting souvenirs are available at very reasonable prices.

THE STAFF:

FAVSTVS - Our Hero, such as he is.  Blond, girly-faced Macedonian kid, aged about sixteen.  Reasonably bright, easily bored, occasionally philosophical, and sharply observant.  Has no immediate plans beyond surviving employment at the winery, but conscientiously earns and saves money just in case.  Accepts his lot in life with a certain amount of zen, relieved that he escaped the fate usually reserved for blond, girly-faced Macedonian boys.

SERVAE (barmaids) - The megalomaniacal one is Pudica.  The one who never shuts up is Tacita.  The clumsy one is Decora.

DEMETRIOS - The bouncer.  A strong, silent, ominously looming type.  Allergic to almost anything with fur.

GAIVS HILARIVS LVDVS (Ludus) - Current owner of the establishment, though he's too good to spend much time there.  This suits everybody nicely for two reasons: The first is that the staff get much more done when he's not there telling them what to do.  The second is that Ludus is not as funny as he thinks he is.

JVNIA COSSA (Cossa) - Ludus' wife.  The staff call her 'Colossa' behind her back.  Is the only person in the comic capable of making gladiators nervous.



THE REGULARS:

GLVTEVS - gladiator of probably Germanic extraction.  Seven feet tall, stunningly stupid, and the bane of anybody smaller than him.  Rarely seen without suitable arm ornaments, usually in the form of...

CAMILLA AEGYPTICA et CLAVDIA AQVILILLA (Aegyptica and Aquililla) - spoiled spawn of mostly-forgotten war heroes.  Might describe themselves as solipsists if they knew how to spell it.  Which one is which is a mystery for the ages.

PALMARIS - Well-organized, goal-oriented gladiator.  Fond of cats.  This is mutual.  Probably Faustus' best friend.

FELES PALMARIS (Palmaris' cats) - Their number has been scientifically estimated at Somewhere Between One and Lots.  The most often seen (not to mention heard) is Hector, who is probably father to half the stray kittens in Rome.

GAIVS VALERIVS CATVLLVS (Catullus) - prettily emaciated romantic poet. Immensely fond of opium and some chick named Lesbia. The latter may or may not be a product of the former.

MIRATORES CATVLLI (Catullus' groupies) - a gaggle of largely indistinguishable young people who think it makes them look cultured to sit around and listen to Catullus' drug-induced ranting.

CALPVRNIA PISONIS (Calpurnia) - bitter ex-wife of Julius Caesar.  Stops by incognito in order to listen to gossip about her former husband.  The staff and clientele know who she is, but humour her; she obviously goes to such lengths to disguise herself that they'd hate to disillusion her.

CLAVDIA PVLCHRA TERTVLLA (Clodia) - professional widow.

LVCIVS FLAVONIVS SENEX (Senex) - Character list?  When I was your age, we didn't have any character list - no, we actually had to read the comic to find out who everybody was!  Honestly, kids these days don't know how good they have it...

NEMO - probably a spy.  Rumor has it his real name is Nullius Nullius Septimus.

BIBO et DUCO - Gauls.  Don't appear to do much besides drink and say a lot of things that make other people smile, nod, and back away.

YAN HUO - enterprising fireworks dealer who somehow manages to do a roaring trade despite not speaking a word of Latin.



PERSONAGES OF HISTORICAL IMPORT (needless to say, we don't see much of them):

GAIVS IVLIVS CAESAR (Caesar) - Dictator of Rome. Life sucks? Blame Caesar! Everybody else does.

MARCVS ANTONIVS (Antony) - Caesar, however, blames Antony... who may know that women have faces, but has never yet demonstrated it.

KLEOPATRA VII THEA PHILOPATOR (Cleopatra) - Caesar's mistress. Also Queen of Egypt, but people tend to forget that. Egypt would like to.

PTOLEMY PHILOPATOR PHILOMETOR CAESAR (Caesarion) - Caesar's son by Cleopatra. Hobbies include looking up ladies' skirts and making smaller kids cry.

MARCVS TVLLIVS CICERO (Cicero) - distilled awesome in a toga. No, really. Just ask him. He'll tell you about it.  FOR HOURS.

GAIVS OCTAVIVS THVRINVS (Octavian) - nerdy little guy whom everybody ignores. He'll see if they ignore him when he rules the world!!!! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA...

LEPIDVS and MESSALINA - High Priest of Janus and head Vestal Virgin, respectively. Each gets omens of the other's imminent death at least once a week. Neither is dead yet.