Dear Ms. Chapman:

You have been randomly selected for a background check in accordance with our new security procedures, as outlined on our website.

Unfortunately, our investigation has revealed that you have overseas relatives involved in the Irish Republican movement who have participated, implicitly or explicitly, in terrorist acts.  In light of this information we believe it would be better for all concerned if you would choose an alternative means of transportation to Rosemont, Illinois.

Your tickets are non-refundable as per the purchaser agreement on our website.

Thank you for flying United.

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I think I'm going to be spitting mad in an hour or two, but right now my brain seems to be stuck on: "... I have relatives in Ireland?"

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STARS SHAVE FOR CANCER BENEFIT

The artists performing at this Saturday's charity concert in New York are going all-out - baring all, you might say - as over half of them have already shaved their heads for the cause.

"I'm not sure who started it," says pop idol Jessica Simpson, smiling as she shows off her newly sheared scalp.  "It just seemed like the thing to do.  It's a great way to show support for all those people who don't have the choice about it.  Like, 'it's okay, bald can be beautiful'!"

"I was already wearing my hair pretty short," laughs former N-Sync member Justin Timberlake.  "I figured, what's a little more off the top?  It's for a good cause."

Other stars rumored to be in on the shaving include Jakalope, Ferghie, John Mayer, and Amos Lee.

"I'm hoping we'll see similar support in the audience," says Nelly Furtado.  "I want to point the lights out there and see them shining off hundreds of bald heads."